Mamatoto

People often tell me, "I bet you can't wait until your baby is old enough for school, then you'll have some time to yourself." Actually, they're wrong. I often feel nobody understands what I am doing or why I am doing it. But nobody really needs to understand my life or even like it. I am responsible to God alone for how I raise my child. This article by Evangeline Johnson, printed in the November 2005 edition of Above Rubies, always encourages me to keep a godly perspective of motherhood. (You can find other great articles at www.AboveRubies.org.)


Friends With Who?

Are you amused by printed warnings that are apparently obvious? Warnings like "Do not put fingers in food processor" or the one I saw on the side of a septic tank, "No swimming allowed." Well, lo and behold, to add to the collection, I found one in the Bible. I laughed right out loud before I could help it.

It is in Titus 2, the famous passage where we are told to love our children. Have you ever stopped to think about that? Of course, all mothers love their children! Why tell them to do something they already do? Barring a few twisted women, all mothers would die for their children. What an obvious thing to write.

I thought I had better investigate. I found that the Greek word for love in this verse is philoteknos which literally means "to be a friend to your children." Her's the crutch. It's easy to love, but are we their friend?

The human heart cries out for friendship and God designs it to be met by... not the TV, not the dog... but the mother. The mother is God's first display of friendship to the world. Why? So our children will know how to be friends with God and friends to the people around them. By doing this, we either make or break society. We literally affect our whole culture. Instead of being a redundant statement in the Bible, it is one of the most important!

Friendship, at its most basic level, is hard to come by in today's families. Yet it is the highest cry of the human heart. What do friends do? They want to hang out together. But what do we see today? Children hanging out with TV... children hanging out with anything or anyone but their mother. Statistics reveal that over 50 percent of children less than two years of age have a TV in their bedroom!

The latest figures, via internet, show that in the last 30 years the average time parents spend with their children has dropped by 40 percent. This tells me that friendship has literally been shipped out the door. Our lives have become too busy!

Webster's Dictionary defines friendship three ways:

1.One who is attached to another by affection, which leads him to desire his company.
Are we attached or detached? My friend has a saying, "Wherever you are, be there!" We can easily miss the relationships we have right now by not embracing the present. Do we desire the company of our children or are we tolerating them until bedtime?

You may say, "Look, lady, "I'm around them all the frantic day. What do you want from me?"

What I propose is to "hang out" with your children, just like best friends, for one week! Lay down the phone from all your other friends and acquaintances and symbolically get on the phone to your children! Include them in whatever you are doing.

Boswell, the famous biographer of Samuel Johnson wrote about the best day of his life. It occurred one day when his dad went fishing with him. Boswell said that day changed his life forever. The rest of childhood was a blur, but that day..."that day my Dad was a friend to me and I learned what life was about through example." Some historian decided to track down the diary of Boswell's father to see how he reflected on the most important day of his famous son's life. The entry read, "Went fishing today - a whole day wasted!"

A lot of mothers think they are wasting their time. No, you are not! "But I'm cleaning my house, shining my tea pot." Many mothers are more of a friend to their house than their children. Yes, we must keep house, but you will notice that is further down the list in Titus 2 than loving your children. God always puts things in order of importance.

When we were first married my husband said, "We will include our children in everything we do. If we can't we won't do it!" Consequently, our children have gone to a lot of things other children have never gone to, and we have not gone to a lot of things that we could have gone to. Our children have learned to sleep anywhere and behave well. Remember the Word does not say to make friends with the church functions but with out children.

2.A companion who is kind, promoting the good of the other.

Friendhsip comes before discipline and order. Before you freak, let me explain. I am a firm believer in complete obedience. That goes without saying! However, it is far better to have friendship, than everything perfect with no relationship. That is dead meat!

Some belive that to be "buddy, buddy" with you child destroys order. Wrong. Do I propose they should start calling me by my first name? No. Respect is a must! Respect and obedience must come out of trusted friendship. They will then realize that discipline comes out of desiring to see the best for them. Discipline without relatinoship breeds rejection, which is the seedbed of rebellion. You may be able to enforce external compliance, but without friendship there is no real heart change. They might be sitting down on the outside, but they will still be standing up on the inside. Submission is a heart issue. No child on earth submits his heart willingly without the love of frienship.

3.Having a favorable opinion of them, noble opinion from a pure source.

Some friends tear each other down like it's their favorite thing to do. True friendships encourage each other - daily! Everybody yearns to be validated, worth-while and encouraged. I grew up on it. If children don't get it in the family, they will look for it somewhere else.

I have often thought that it would be great if every person could have their own funeral service before they die! I long for people to hear the beautiful words people say about them at their funerals, words they should have heard while they were alive. If only they knew how much they were loved, how talented they were, how beautiful they were etc. Let's not wait. Children long for encouragement and friendship from their mother.

There is a level of trust in friendship that can be damaged by the following:

1. Outbursts of anger. And, on the flip side, the silent tratment. If anything kills friendship, it is these two. They are like a bad smell. We can put nice perfume on when we go out, but what if our children are getting stink bombs at home? Do not use your children as your emotional toxic waste dumps. Treat them like friends.
2. Betrayed confidences. There is nothing worse than a child overhearing their mother talk badly about them to another person, even their father. It takes the very stuffing right out of them, then and there. Do not label your children, deal with them!
3. Favoritism. This is extremely destructive. If your friend treats another better than you, it sours your friendship pretty fast. It is the same with your children.

Remember the obvious, "Don't use your hair dryer while you are in the shower and do be a friend to your children."

Your friend Vangi!

Evangeline Johnson
Primm Springs, Tennessee
Howard and Evangeline's 10 children are Zadok, Sharar, Rashida, Crusoe, Jireh, Arrow, Tiveria, Sahara, Iqara, and Saber Truth.